MONDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2009
My days at Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede were idyllic...I met Dolly, and she was a real nice lady...Her face was stretched as tight as a drum, and the edges of her mouth were getting dangerously close to her ears, and no one has boobs that big and a waist that small without implants and liposuction...But, I liked her personality, and she was real nice to me...
I would come to work at the Dixie Stampede, go past a giant picture of me and the talking horse in the lobby (Where I would be signing autographs later that night), go under the stadium to the 'cast' dressing rooms...Where I had my own locker, chair, and spot for my costumes...
It was much better than changing in the server locker room...Which was the size of a small walk-in closet...Where all the gay servers would ogle you while you changed...(They used to tease me because I went into the shitter and closed the door to change)..."Hey Greggy, why don't you change out here with us girls....So we can see you...Are you a shy little boy?"
I usually got there a little early so I could ride horses...I'd put on my boots,and go out to the stables, and saddle up the grey gelding...They had picked this horse out specifically for me...He was short, so I could hop into the saddle in one leap, and yet stout so that he could carry my weight....Best of all, this horse was not going to run away from me (he was lazy), you had to give him the spurs just to get him to trot...
I would take him out into the arena and practice the horse riding tips they had shown the riders at the last training session. Holding the reins in my left hand, the other on my hip, directing him with my knees and heels...Cantering around in a circle...I felt like a real cowboy...
The rest of the cast would begin to show up and come out to warm up their horses...And I would put mine away, and chill out back for awhile...Maybe go up and see my server friends on their porch on the second floor...
Most of the riders where gay boys, but they also had some cowboys mixed in...kind of a weird combination...One cowboy in particular, "Roy", was one of those super-macho extra-hetrosexual rodeo guys...He made it known that you didn't touch his stuff, or sit in 'his' spot...He'd come in and read his "Cowboy Bible" before the show...To fuck with him, I'd take the bolts out of his chair so it collapsed when he sat down...
One time during a show, one of the "flamers" was walking around eating Doritos Corn Chips, and while Roy and Flame Boy were out in the stadium riding, I crushed up a handful, and sprinkled them in Roy's spot, and all over his chair...I had to protect Flame Boy from getting killed for a week...And, Flame Boy had no idea why Roy was so furious at him...What a kick!
I'd listen to conversations backstage, and because of the mixture of different people, it was pretty interesting...One day I heard Flame Boy say, "Just 'cause you like to suck dick, doesn't mean your gay..." (What?!?) Roy was out of his seat in a flash to argue with him...
We had a real heated discussion about the origins of Christmas with Roy...Apparently he still thought Christmas started with the birth of Jesus Christ...I tried to tell him that it was originally a pagan holiday and he offered to kick my ass out back if I ever said that again...
Roy, and some of the cowboys could kill a fly on a saddle with a 15 foot whip, so I used to practice with them out back between shows...All in all, it was a great time in my life...I had a place in the scheme of things...I belonged to something bigger than myself...I made thousands of people laugh every day...The rest of the cast admired my verbal skills...I had fans...I signed autographs...I thought it was all leading up to something fantastic...I was wrong...
Now, when I drive by the empty building (The silent monument to their stupidity) along Interstate 4, I wonder if we would all still be there, if they had listened to me...Probably not, but they might have...Had they listened...Instead I got in trouble for improvising too much...For saying things off the top of my head that made the crowd roar with approval...
And, after the show lines of people would tell me how brilliant I was, and how they liked my character the best...How they had a cousin or an uncle who was just like that...And, how I was the best part of the show...The Director and the General Manager hated me for that...(I think they were jealous)...
I brought my kids to see the show several times and made sure they were picked to chase chickens and toss toilet seats in the horse shoe competition...My 5 yr old Michelle still talks about when I cam out dressed like I was riding an Ostrich...(With fake legs on either side, and my legs in the Ostrich outfit)...
One day the bolts on the Ostrich neck came loose and the Ostrich face fell into the dirt...I said he needed "Niagra" (I didn't even say Viagra)...The crowd roared so loud the MC couldn't continue...The next day I was in the General Managers office discussing my performance, and the "No Improvising" rule...
I guess the pinnacle of the whole experience was the day the head horse trainer came down from Brandon, Missouri...The male and female MC's were alternating shows, and during the second show the male MC forgot to tighten the saddle on his horse so I could get on...We got to the part where I hopped on his horse back wards, and the saddle slipped off to one side when I put my foot in the stirrups...
The MC and I had to improvise, because we couldn't say our scripted lines until the saddle got back on top of the horse...After we both tried to right the saddle about three times (While I was doing my job and providing banter), I finally grabbed the reins and walked the horse out...The trainer told me later "That was the funniest damn thing he'd ever seen!"
A buffalo got loose backstage one day, while the horses where all tied up to Milk Wagons, Covered Wagons, and such...The horses went nuts, started rearing up and beating their hooves in the air, and the cowboys started shouting and running around...I guess it's real dangerous for humans in that situation because a buffalo will gore a horse with his horns, and the horses know it...
I saw them put down an Ostrich that broke it's leg...That was a bit shocking...
But, all in all, it was a unique experience that enriched my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world...I guess it was the pinnacle of my success as an entertainer...Next time I'll tell you how it all went bad, and came unraveled...For them, and for me...And I became, "The Loser"...
(Part 2 of a 3 part series)
I would come to work at the Dixie Stampede, go past a giant picture of me and the talking horse in the lobby (Where I would be signing autographs later that night), go under the stadium to the 'cast' dressing rooms...Where I had my own locker, chair, and spot for my costumes...
It was much better than changing in the server locker room...Which was the size of a small walk-in closet...Where all the gay servers would ogle you while you changed...(They used to tease me because I went into the shitter and closed the door to change)..."Hey Greggy, why don't you change out here with us girls....So we can see you...Are you a shy little boy?"
I usually got there a little early so I could ride horses...I'd put on my boots,and go out to the stables, and saddle up the grey gelding...They had picked this horse out specifically for me...He was short, so I could hop into the saddle in one leap, and yet stout so that he could carry my weight....Best of all, this horse was not going to run away from me (he was lazy), you had to give him the spurs just to get him to trot...
I would take him out into the arena and practice the horse riding tips they had shown the riders at the last training session. Holding the reins in my left hand, the other on my hip, directing him with my knees and heels...Cantering around in a circle...I felt like a real cowboy...
The rest of the cast would begin to show up and come out to warm up their horses...And I would put mine away, and chill out back for awhile...Maybe go up and see my server friends on their porch on the second floor...
Most of the riders where gay boys, but they also had some cowboys mixed in...kind of a weird combination...One cowboy in particular, "Roy", was one of those super-macho extra-hetrosexual rodeo guys...He made it known that you didn't touch his stuff, or sit in 'his' spot...He'd come in and read his "Cowboy Bible" before the show...To fuck with him, I'd take the bolts out of his chair so it collapsed when he sat down...
One time during a show, one of the "flamers" was walking around eating Doritos Corn Chips, and while Roy and Flame Boy were out in the stadium riding, I crushed up a handful, and sprinkled them in Roy's spot, and all over his chair...I had to protect Flame Boy from getting killed for a week...And, Flame Boy had no idea why Roy was so furious at him...What a kick!
I'd listen to conversations backstage, and because of the mixture of different people, it was pretty interesting...One day I heard Flame Boy say, "Just 'cause you like to suck dick, doesn't mean your gay..." (What?!?) Roy was out of his seat in a flash to argue with him...
We had a real heated discussion about the origins of Christmas with Roy...Apparently he still thought Christmas started with the birth of Jesus Christ...I tried to tell him that it was originally a pagan holiday and he offered to kick my ass out back if I ever said that again...
Roy, and some of the cowboys could kill a fly on a saddle with a 15 foot whip, so I used to practice with them out back between shows...All in all, it was a great time in my life...I had a place in the scheme of things...I belonged to something bigger than myself...I made thousands of people laugh every day...The rest of the cast admired my verbal skills...I had fans...I signed autographs...I thought it was all leading up to something fantastic...I was wrong...
Now, when I drive by the empty building (The silent monument to their stupidity) along Interstate 4, I wonder if we would all still be there, if they had listened to me...Probably not, but they might have...Had they listened...Instead I got in trouble for improvising too much...For saying things off the top of my head that made the crowd roar with approval...
And, after the show lines of people would tell me how brilliant I was, and how they liked my character the best...How they had a cousin or an uncle who was just like that...And, how I was the best part of the show...The Director and the General Manager hated me for that...(I think they were jealous)...
I brought my kids to see the show several times and made sure they were picked to chase chickens and toss toilet seats in the horse shoe competition...My 5 yr old Michelle still talks about when I cam out dressed like I was riding an Ostrich...(With fake legs on either side, and my legs in the Ostrich outfit)...
One day the bolts on the Ostrich neck came loose and the Ostrich face fell into the dirt...I said he needed "Niagra" (I didn't even say Viagra)...The crowd roared so loud the MC couldn't continue...The next day I was in the General Managers office discussing my performance, and the "No Improvising" rule...
I guess the pinnacle of the whole experience was the day the head horse trainer came down from Brandon, Missouri...The male and female MC's were alternating shows, and during the second show the male MC forgot to tighten the saddle on his horse so I could get on...We got to the part where I hopped on his horse back wards, and the saddle slipped off to one side when I put my foot in the stirrups...
The MC and I had to improvise, because we couldn't say our scripted lines until the saddle got back on top of the horse...After we both tried to right the saddle about three times (While I was doing my job and providing banter), I finally grabbed the reins and walked the horse out...The trainer told me later "That was the funniest damn thing he'd ever seen!"
A buffalo got loose backstage one day, while the horses where all tied up to Milk Wagons, Covered Wagons, and such...The horses went nuts, started rearing up and beating their hooves in the air, and the cowboys started shouting and running around...I guess it's real dangerous for humans in that situation because a buffalo will gore a horse with his horns, and the horses know it...
I saw them put down an Ostrich that broke it's leg...That was a bit shocking...
But, all in all, it was a unique experience that enriched my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world...I guess it was the pinnacle of my success as an entertainer...Next time I'll tell you how it all went bad, and came unraveled...For them, and for me...And I became, "The Loser"...
(Part 2 of a 3 part series)
No comments:
Post a Comment