How I became the loser (Part 3)

MONDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2009

The MC at Dixie Stampede was a young handsome, charismatic christian guy who had been the MC and stage manager up in Branson, Missouri for many years. He had apparently also worked at each of the other locations, because he knew all the comedians and their material. So, ever few days he would come to me and say, "Hey, I've got a joke for you." and he would describe a gag that one of the comedians in another location were doing, and how to do it. In some cases, he would even bring me into the Stage Managers office and play a tape of the show in question. Plus, I was an old improv guy, having taught the subject at the University of Minnesota, and having made a study of theater games while running my own theater. So, when something odd went wrong with the show, I was right on top of it, with quips and wisecracks to get the crowd laughing. I thought we were doing pretty good, and the crowd thought so...The cast was impressed...I was a big hero to all the waiters and waitresses, 'cause I had been one of them.... And, I knew from running my own dinner theater that, if you wanted to really build a fan base, go out and glad hand with the crowd after the show...So, I did just that in the gift shop after every show. One night I was signing autographs and taking pictures with customers, and I had a long line of people waiting to see me, when I noticed the Director and the General Manager standing off to one side...And from the looks on their faces, they didn't like what I was doing...That's when I knew my days at the Dixie Stampede were numbered.... Not long after that, the same MC that was giving me jokes came to me, and told me that the General Manager had hired the guy I replaced back....And would I mind terribly working backstage while he did the show...And, then when he couldn't do a show, I could go in...I think I did a grand total of one more show after that... Now, my job was to open the door for the riders to go out and close it behind them. Real glamorous...And and it was so boring that I invariably missed my cue and got yelled at by the riders...I was quickly gaining a reputation as a shit head... So, for about two months I scooped horse manure, wrangled pigs and Ostrich shoots, hooked up wagons and missed all my cues to open the friggin door... Finally, I just walked out, and never went back...Then, the fighting with Satan's sister got really bad...I finally developed a burning desire to hack her up into little pieces...So, six months after leaving the Dixie Stampede, I parked my van in the Target parking lot along Hwy 50, tossed in my cell phone and the keys, grabbed a bag with two pairs of underwear, two t-shirts and a pair of shorts, and walked away from my marriage... I left behind three little kids that I was pretty certain would be abused in my absence, and didn't see or speak to them again for 8 months. Three days later a detective from Missing Persons found me in Bakersfield, California...at my parents house. Satan's Sister ran right out and got a court order for $630 a month in child support, and I didn't even have a job. She offered to get rid of it if I'd just give up all my parental rights...And, the War was on... I had to return to Florida to fight for my kids...So, 8 months later, I visited their school during lunch hour, so I could talk to them...Satan's Sister told them "If you see your Daddy, don't be nice to him, so he'll go away." For the next three years I would walk alone through the "Valley of the Shadow Of Death"...Without any friends, no girlfriend, my parents 3000 miles away, rarely seeing my kids for just a few short hours...I was homeless for about 6 months, until my Dad paid for me to get a tiny little apartment, so I'd have a place to visit with my kids...I didn't sleep much, and when I did I had nightmares of hacking Satan's Sister up into pieces...I had anxiety attacks where I'd fall down and be paralyzed for 20 minutes...But, mostly I just stared at the noose on my porch... In one short year I went from star of the big show, to alone with a noose....and that's how I became "The Loser"... I'm no quitter though, and I'm proud to say that things are much better now...As I sit here, in a large house, with two dogs and a family...I have tons of friends...and, tonight I go to get my kids for the weekend...Next Wednesday we go back to court for the umpteenth time over whether or not I have the right to see and talk to my kids... The sun is shining, and life is good again! - THE END -