MONDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2009
I got up at 3am this morning again...Did my little One Act play for the cat...I call it a One Act play because it consists of doing one "act" for an audience of one...
The toughest cat in a three state area...A swatter of dogs, hunter of lizards, protector of the back garden...All other cats run in panic when he walks by...He is, our house cat...Who's name, by the way, was apparently picked out after much deliberation, and hours of pouring through multiple baby name books...We call him simply....."Kitty." (It's the "Boy named Sue" style of parenting).
Anyway, this Charles Bronson of the Cat World sits there expressionless, occasionally licking a paw (Bored, as always), or scratching behind his ear, (and one time he actually had the audacity to lick his butt at my performance) ...As I go through my three-hour long, One Act Play...You know the one...Where I play a tuberculosis patient who coughs up a lung, from deep in his left kidney...I shall now demonstrate..Hack! Cough! Drip! Blow Nose!
I have found that this particular performance piece can be altered subtly by changing the location of the lung I am to cough up, to various parts of my body, thereby giving it nuances that, on other mornings it failed to produce...
Sometimes, this One Act Play is a comedy... (For instance, where I try to light a cigarette, but can't because I'm coughing up Flem from deep inside my left foot).
And, sometimes it's a tragedy...(Where I grab a doorway, slump, then slide down, or stumble and fall, and finally crawl slowly to the kitchen on my knees hoarsely begging him for coffee).
In any case, Kitty has seen all possible permutations of this play, often traveling throughout the house, with him in tow...But occasionally it is a stationary mime piece, in the darkened living room, with the subtext that I'm also having a heart attack...Kitty has seen them all.
Now, if you haven't had the pleasure (As I have on multiple occasions...thank you US Army!), of being hit with tear gas while in confined quarters...Let me tell you a little bit about the bodies capacity to produce copious amounts of Mucous, on demand, in a very short period of time.
I once had it caught in my gas mask, and had to run three miles with it in there...Did you know that you body can stream Mucous from your eyes, nose, mouth and ears at an alarming rate? I found myself wondering where the hell all this fluid coming from in the first place? Apparently we are somewhat like ants, in that, we can produce three times our body weight in flem.
I personally would like to report, that I am against Flem, and Mucous...in any of it's forms (Booggers, hairballs, snot, sinus swellers, post nasal drippers, droolers, et al.), and feel that it should be made illegal...Whilst God's natural herbal remedies like pot should be made legal. (Hey, did you know that pot inhibits the allergic response? Hmmm...The plot thickens!) ...But, that's just my personal opinion.
Now...Obviously I have allergies, and live in Florida...What's going on here? I have, this week alone, produced enough Mucous to fill three Olympic sized pools, at the Playboy Mansion...(Don't ask. They are bigger. Everything is bigger at the Playboy Mansion!).
Being a Tree Hugger and all...I personally believe that the trees, weeds, dandelions, rag weeds, and other plants are slowly trying to kill us, starting with me...(What did I do?) Because, they have heard from their plant buddies, that we are getting rid of the rain forest in South America...And, because we are genetically altering Tomato Plants in California (It turns out that Tomato Plants are the Italian Mafia of the plant world).
I believe that trees are conscious, sentient beings, with a soul, but no conscience.
The toughest cat in a three state area...A swatter of dogs, hunter of lizards, protector of the back garden...All other cats run in panic when he walks by...He is, our house cat...Who's name, by the way, was apparently picked out after much deliberation, and hours of pouring through multiple baby name books...We call him simply....."Kitty." (It's the "Boy named Sue" style of parenting).
Anyway, this Charles Bronson of the Cat World sits there expressionless, occasionally licking a paw (Bored, as always), or scratching behind his ear, (and one time he actually had the audacity to lick his butt at my performance) ...As I go through my three-hour long, One Act Play...You know the one...Where I play a tuberculosis patient who coughs up a lung, from deep in his left kidney...I shall now demonstrate..Hack! Cough! Drip! Blow Nose!
I have found that this particular performance piece can be altered subtly by changing the location of the lung I am to cough up, to various parts of my body, thereby giving it nuances that, on other mornings it failed to produce...
Sometimes, this One Act Play is a comedy... (For instance, where I try to light a cigarette, but can't because I'm coughing up Flem from deep inside my left foot).
And, sometimes it's a tragedy...(Where I grab a doorway, slump, then slide down, or stumble and fall, and finally crawl slowly to the kitchen on my knees hoarsely begging him for coffee).
In any case, Kitty has seen all possible permutations of this play, often traveling throughout the house, with him in tow...But occasionally it is a stationary mime piece, in the darkened living room, with the subtext that I'm also having a heart attack...Kitty has seen them all.
Now, if you haven't had the pleasure (As I have on multiple occasions...thank you US Army!), of being hit with tear gas while in confined quarters...Let me tell you a little bit about the bodies capacity to produce copious amounts of Mucous, on demand, in a very short period of time.
I once had it caught in my gas mask, and had to run three miles with it in there...Did you know that you body can stream Mucous from your eyes, nose, mouth and ears at an alarming rate? I found myself wondering where the hell all this fluid coming from in the first place? Apparently we are somewhat like ants, in that, we can produce three times our body weight in flem.
I personally would like to report, that I am against Flem, and Mucous...in any of it's forms (Booggers, hairballs, snot, sinus swellers, post nasal drippers, droolers, et al.), and feel that it should be made illegal...Whilst God's natural herbal remedies like pot should be made legal. (Hey, did you know that pot inhibits the allergic response? Hmmm...The plot thickens!) ...But, that's just my personal opinion.
Now...Obviously I have allergies, and live in Florida...What's going on here? I have, this week alone, produced enough Mucous to fill three Olympic sized pools, at the Playboy Mansion...(Don't ask. They are bigger. Everything is bigger at the Playboy Mansion!).
Being a Tree Hugger and all...I personally believe that the trees, weeds, dandelions, rag weeds, and other plants are slowly trying to kill us, starting with me...(What did I do?) Because, they have heard from their plant buddies, that we are getting rid of the rain forest in South America...And, because we are genetically altering Tomato Plants in California (It turns out that Tomato Plants are the Italian Mafia of the plant world).
I believe that trees are conscious, sentient beings, with a soul, but no conscience.
And like any good horror film, are plotting to get rid of their human parasites, and take their rightful place at the forefront, and have dominion over the Earth. Personally, I think they did in the Dinosaurs...Call me crazy, but that is what I believe.
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