Bank of UnAmerican

MONDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2009

Those of you that know me well know that there are several words that it is not advisable to say around me...that is, unless you want to hear a 3 hour diatribe on what is really wrong with the United States of America, and you wish to watch every vein on my forehead become visible, and you want to see all the tendons in my neck at once... I will tolerate hearing the foulest of swear words, the most graphic descriptions of sexual depravity while lunching with my mother, or sitting in a church...but, these words represent something so despicable, that they offend me to the very core... The words you dare not use around me are: "Bank", "Checking Account", "Financial Infrastructure", or the newest most foul word in the English language..."Bailout"... I come by these feelings honestly. While doing business with UnTrust, I used my debit card to purchase a 75 cent stick of gum, and was charged a $30 dollar overdraft fee...later that day, I purchased a $1.50 candy bar, and got another $30 overdraft charge...and God help me I was thirsty, so I bought a 99 cent water (Another $30 overdraft charge!) So, for going over my checking account for a grand total of $3.24 cents it cost me $90... And this was during my "Salad Days" (Yeah right, I couldn’t afford lettuce, much less cheese to go on it) when the gum, candy bar, and water were my breakfast, lunch, and dinner... When I spoke to the branch manager over this little fiasco, I was told "I'm sorry, but that's just our policy."...Needless to say that branch had a mysterious fire, and burned to the ground with the branch manager in it shortly after that... I had the same experience with Bank of UnAmerican out in California...They pick on the poor guy, and only give loans out freely to people who are already rich...and do not get me started on Washington "Steal 'Em Blind" Mutual...(They now charge $5 to cash a personal check if is written on a check from another branch...Times that by 100 million customers, and they are stealing roughly $500 million from honest hard working Americans every month)... A few days ago, I found myself standing in the lobby of Bank of UnAmerican...waiting in line (duing the lunch rush) to cash a hard earned check.  I had just sat in the drive through line, much longer than I have ever waited in line for a Disney ride, and been told, "I'm sorry, but since you don't have an account with us, you'll have to go inside the bank." So, there I am, in the belly of the beast as it were...And, I was trying real hard not to notice the guy at the loan kiosk who was getting upset cause they couldn't help him out, the old lady who seemed to be having trouble withdrawing her money from her savings account, and the poor lady at the teller window who was being told "I'm sorry, I know you have a signed check, but that check isn't in our system yet, so you'll have to come back later..." I bit my lip real hard, stared hard at the cork board ceiling, then examined my left shoe thoroughly...trying desperately to find my happy spot...I daydreamed about what it would be like to be Jesse James or a member of the James Gang...robbing bank after bank and not getting caught...I actually found myself smiling... I was robbing my fifteenth bank when I finally got to the front of the line, and was called forward by the teller...I told her that I just needed to cash my check, signed it and put my thumb print on it, thinking of how I'd like to leave a little DNA on it to verify who I was..."Do you have an account with us?" Miss Customer Service asked brightly...A terse "No" was all I could manage through tightly clenched lips..."You realize that there will be a $6 fee to cash this?" "Yes, I do" was all I could hiss out... "Would you like to open an account today?" she inquired sweetly..."No, I most certainly do not!" I growled back. Ignoring my demeanor, she said in her best candy cane voice "Oh, and why is that?" I lowered my head, in a silent prayer for patience..."Because I do not believe in banks..." I croaked out, hoping she would leave it at that...She obviously wasnt going to, so I added "I think the banks should all go under, and we should keep our money in a big safe under our beds..." "Really...." she said, as if I had just admitted that I believed I had been abducted by aliens..."And, why is that?" she chirped with a broad, patronizing smile...Willing myself not to reach across the window and wipe that stupid smile off her face, or rip her larynx out with my bare hands, I realized that she was not going to cash my check until we had this conversation...So, I decided "What the hell" and I let her have it with both barrels... I stabbed a finger in the direction of the Washington Mutual Bank clearly visible out the clear glass doors, and nearly shouted "Do you see that bank over there? It steals 500 million dollars every month from it's customers...If I stole that much money, I would be in jail for a VERY long time...And, in every neighborhood across America sits empty homes who have been foreclosed on by BANKS...THAT is why I don’t believe in BANKS!!" I could actually feel the flames coming out of my nostrils as I spit this last part out... Suddenly her demeanor changed...Her put-on smile fell..."I know..." she said softly..."I am going to lose my house soon...I have put my heart and soul into fixing it up, but the balloon payment is about to go up, and I can't afford the payments anymore...I'm a single mother with three little kids..."  I stood there dumbfounded while she cashed my check...She handed me what was left of my money and I said to no one in particular, "Then why, in the name of God, do you work at a BANK?!? Why don't you do something RESPECTABLE, like become a stripper, or a prostitute, or a drug dealer...at least they work for themselves!" with that I hocked a loogy, and spat it right in the middle of the nicely polished bank floor...and I was visibly shaking as I stomped out...