Monday, July 13, 2015

Molly and McGee

Molly and McGee was a popular comedy show on the radio during the 1930's. Now, they are two comical dogs who sleep on my pillows at night (Whether I want them too or not).

Let me explain...We rescued Molly and McGee from Tampa Bay Animal Rescue. They had been abandoned in a cage out in the country...I don't know how long they had been there, but I do know that prior to being abandoned they were severely abused and mistreated by a male...(Boy, would I like to meet THAT guy in a dark alley...)

So, although they are beautiful beagles, they are chickens at heart. Timid, afraid of their own shadows...if the house got broken into, they are more likely to shit themselves and piss right on my pillows as growl or bark.

They apparently had never been in a residential area because when I first got them, they would quake at the normal sights and sounds that you and I take for granted...as an example, I was once dragged 25 feet (on my back and stomach) ...over a man hole cover, a grate, and a series of curbs, and into a hedge, because some neighbor of mine started up a weed wacker in their presence...

To give you another example, one day in the first month they had parked themselves on my bed, I was busy working out in the field...and, as it happened I had an employee at the house (a big black girl with very dark skin), and I needed a phone number from my desk (which is in my bedroom). I asked her to go in there and get me the phone number, which she did, and I thought nothing more about it....

Those dogs must have gone completely nuts when she opened our bedroom door and entered...And what's funny about it, is the employee was calm and cool when they returned to the phone, as if nothing at all was amiss...She never said anything about the dogs crapping and pissing all over the bed, walls, carpet, drapes, desk, computer, etc. It had to have been out and out bedlam....I mean, she could have at least given me some indication that there was a "bit of a mess" to clean up when I got home...

To make matters worse, it was a hot summer day, my bedroom door was closed, and the sun streams in the big windows all afternoon. This incident happened early in the morning...When I got home, and opened the bedroom door, it looked as if all hell had broken loose at an incontinence group event...How, they managed to shit on the drapes...is still an abiding mystery...

And the stench that hit me in the face when I opened that door...would send a septic management specialist packing...The dogs eyes were as big as silver dollars, and I don't think their heads could be hung any lower...they were shacking and quaking as if they were about to receive the beating of their lives...

I think I said something like..."What the fuck?!?" and just stood there surveying the scene...It looked like they had invited every dog in the neighborhood over, and they had held their bowels for a week, then had a poo flinging contest, and a pissing contest after that...Those dogs emptied themselves completely out...I half expected to see two empty sets of skin and fur sitting on the bed...

You know what I did? I quietly closed the door, and went to the kitchen to fix myself a stiff drink...the clean up "party" was going to take an iron constitution...

For some odd reason doorways frighten them...I haven't quite figured out what that is about yet...but when you put them on their leashes and walk outside, they invariable stop dead in their tracks, survey the doorway frantically (like they are about to enter a mine field), piss themselves, and then dart through the doorway....

The first time I experienced this, I was trying to hurry them outside, so they didn't make more stains on the carpet....and, as I rushed out onto the screened in porch, leash in hand, I quickly found myself flat on my back...Then, a caravan of dog claws frantically scampered over my face and belly...and, just as I was making a mental note to clip their fingernails, I was whipped around and violently dragged outside, through the screened in porch, over the stone pavers, under the barbecue grill, through the garden, and out onto the grass...(I made another mental note to get some weed and feed for the prickly weeds in the grass)...and, I finally came to rest a little worse for the wear on the sidewalk...(Okay! Mental note on the doorway problem).

When they get back from their walk, they are so frantic to get back to their spot on the bed, that while your trying to get their leashed off, they repeatedly ram themselves into the sliding glass door like automated bumper cars until you open it, and invariably climb all over themselves to get inside...

The last time Rusty was up from college, I wanted to get him back for some of the times he has scared me in the kitchen, so I asked him calmly if he would walk the dogs for me...On his way out of the kitchen, he apparently slapped his big water ski size tennis shoes to hard against the linoleum, and they were off! They were so frantic to get away that McGee (The smaller, lighter dog) actually got perched on Molly's back, and rode her "jockey style" out to the side walk, pulling Rusty along all the way...(That will teach him to scare me in the kitchen in the middle of the night!)

When Rusty got back from walking the dogs, I asked him innocently, "So, how did it go?" Noting the burs and sticker weeds in his shirt, scratch marks on his face, and a piece of hedge sticking out from his pant leg..."Fine...just fine!" he said, in a surly tone...and I made a mental note to keep an eye out for practical jokes or pranks the rest of the weekend...

I am glad to report that they have calmed down somewhat, and are now beginning to show signs that they are in fact dogs and not chickens...but, obviously this is going to take some time, lots of visits to the dog therapist, and a whole lot of loving and reassurance...and that's just for me....the dogs are a whole other matter...

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