Me, the silent film comedian

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2009

I always liked to say about Satan's Sister that she was so dumb that she couldn't pour water out of a boot, even if the instructions were on the heel... But, that doesn't really half cover it...So, I want to see if I can "Quantify" her stupidity level...here assaninity (is that a word?) quotient if you will, and give you a small taste, a hint, just a breath of an idea...of her gargantuan retardedness, and colossal moronicness (I know that's not a word!), and the insanity it has caused me in the past 20 years...in other words, this is therapy... The reason Satan's Sister couldn't pour the proverbial water out of the proverbial boot, goes like this: First of all, it would never occur to her that there were instructions down there... Secondly, she never reads directions...she just makes shit up as she goes... Thirdly, unless is was monosyllabic words written in 3rd grade english she wouldn't understand any of it... Fourthly, she is belligerent on general principles, and doesn't like others telling her what to do...and she wouldn't follow the directs IF she understood them... Instead, she would do something really, really...I mean really stupid, and some poor schmo like me would get his pants caught in the clockwork so to speak (a la Charlie Chaplin), prior to that of course we would have a nonsensical conversation about the merits of her actions much like Abott and Costello's "Who's on first!", and suddenly I would become Buster Keaton...running through the streets with the whole world after me, armed and angry... No, what she would do, is get frustrated with the water in the boot, and decide it was a good idea to put it in A SHREDDER...I would walk in and at the last moment, and see what she was about to do, and say "No! Don't do that!" which would of course be the final impetuous to make her do just that... The wet boot in the shredder would then cause an ELECTRICAL FIRE...which in turn would burn the whole house down...and that would ignite the GASOLINE BARRELS in the garage...which would definitely heat up the stack of GRENADES in our neighbors house (did I mention we would be living in a condominium complex with a string of 10 homes strung together with common walls?), not to mention his neighbors stockpile of THERMONUCLEAR WEAPONS, and HIS neighbors WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! ...and I would be forced to put it all out with a wet hanky... ...cause the fire department was busy getting a cat out of a tree down the street... The only thing left standing in 5 city blocks would be the small circle of carpet that SHE was standing on (because it had magically been sprayed with asbestos)...the cops would show up, and she would then finger ME as the arsonist who started the whole thing, and I am off and running...invariably the FBI, the CIA, the FDA and the IRS would get involved somehow...and the manhunt for me would take months... The other day a pretty little blonde said sweetly, "What did she DO to you to make you SO angry?" ...I had to shove both fists in my mouth and bite my knuckles to keep from grabbing her by the neck with one hand, and slapping her silly...