Road Rage

MONDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2009

I have road rage...I freely admit it. I assume(for my own safety), that all the other drivers on the road are complete buffoons, or otherwise engaged in various activities, and therefore not using their best driving skills.

Why just this morning I had a little "incident" that is a perfect example...I wanted to get some Musinex D to clear up the post nasal drip I had been suffering from these past few months. Now, I don't know if its the pollinating trees, or the fact that the dogs are now sleeping in my bed that is causing my post nasal drip, but the draining mucus is a bit like being submitted to Chinese water torture 24/7.

I had taken some of Rusty's Musinex D this past weekend and my sinuses magically cleared up so I was somewhat anxious to get the stuff coursing through my veins. I had to wait a few days to have any money in my bank account, so the anxiousness was exacerbated by that, and I was already a little edgy...

At the first pharmacy I stopped at, the snotty little pharmacy princess informed me that I had to show photo ID to purchase the stuff "because its the law!", and since I was recklessly driving in my Gator pajamas without my license, I got a little pissed off...I exited the pharmacy, leaving the snotty princess quivering in her new scrub outfit after a few choice words from me, and the overhead loudspeakers blared with her frantically calling the manager as I beat my retreat.

After running home for my license, dripping, sneezing, coughing and spitting up flem, I decided that I couldn't go back to that particular pharmacy, but instead had to go to one much further away...upon arriving at the downtown Apopka Walgreen's, I stood in a line 3 deep listening to the pharmacy girls jabber in Spanish...(There was no waiting at the first pharmacy).

When I got to the counter, being offended that they were not speaking English, I made a few comments about how I was already late for my appointment at the Meth Lab, and suddenly they spoke perfect English...It seems they couldn't in good conscience sell me the Musinex D...After pulling out of the second pharmacy, I saw that a young police officer was abusing the public trust in the alley way, so not wanting to get into an altercation with a strapping young officer with a gun and pepper spray at the moment, I turned around and went the long way around.

At the third pharmacy, which was much further away from my home, I managed to contain my rage, and keep my mouth shut long enough to purchase the medicine and got back in my car without incident. I stopped at a stop sign to open the box of Musinex D, and was having some trouble getting into the multi layered packaging when this little Indian guy with wire rim glasses starts laying on his horn like he has to pee.

Now, I have to roll down my window manually and reach outside to get out of my car, so by the time I was striding back to his car, I was boiling hot...He, seeing me coming, quickly rolled up his window (electronically of course), and when I told him to roll it back down, he shook his head back in forth like I had asked him to try Korean food or something.

I noticed, just as he did that his door was unlocked and since my nervous system was hopped up on adrenaline, I easily beat him to the door handle and his door swung open. I grabbed me a fist full of shirt and pulled him halfway out of his car for a little nose to nose chat.

Since he smelled like curry...I decided to use my best Dirty Harry impression on him (which I reserve for the truly weak and spineless characters I come into contact with). I said calmly and slowly, "Listen punk (getting a little spittle on his cheek), if you touch that horn one more time the rest of this week, I will break every bone in both of your hands...do you understand?"

He got the message and probably peed his pants too...So, I put him back in his car like I found him (albeit with his sweater and shirt severely stretched out), and calmly walked back to my beat up bat-mobile...