The Fruit Fly Conpiracy

MONDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2009

This will be like one of those intelligent tests where you look at the paragraph and see if you can count the F's...Then, later you find out that only dorks register the word of and that's why you counted two when there are really six...Or, if your really stupid, like my ex wife the retard...This will be a test if you can count to six without using your left hand... Count the digressions in this blog...The subject matter is fruit flies...(That was ONE and it's a gimmee...) For the benefit of people like my ex wife (Satan's Sister, who was a window-licker from the short bus by the way...), talking about digressions IS itself a digression from the subject at hand...Never mind....She doesn't know what the word digression means...I forgot...3 word vocabulary...Too many syllables...(And that's another word she doesn't know). We have in our kitchen a landing strip of small, black ninja fruit flies...And, for the last several months every time you walk into the kitchen, a cloud of small fighter jet fruit flies fly up and get in your eyes and nose and ears in their panic to escape from the fly swatter...And, I am a bad mama jamma with the fly swatter baby! The other day I unfortunately had a fork in my right hand, and when a fruit fly landed on my eyelid...Well, you get the picture... We have tried everything to get rid of them...Flypaper, Raid (Which tastes a bit like mercury...why is that? Oh, and it's highly flammable if you should be lighting a cigarette while your spraying...Just FYI...), the aforementioned flyswatter, chemical bombs, fly traps...I even had Kimmie talk to them using reverse psychology...Nothing worked... They have now infested the cupboards and have several landing strips established there (Which of course you cannot see, because of the dark wood, until you go to get a glass for water)... Wait! I just had a thought! I should walk into the kitchen buck naked...That should send them screaming into the night...It works for everyone else... This all started the day the Buccaneers played the Chargers...Lori had gotten free tickets to the game, and we parked in Daytona Beach, and walked to the stadium in Tampa...(That was a joke...Never mind...Why do I try?) So, we took Rusty and Kimmiee to their first live professional football game... Now, I was dressed, as always, in full Gator regalia...So all the drunks wanted to talk to me about Tebow, and whether or not Harvin would be around for next year...We sat in the nosebleed section with some a party of gator fans who were half Buccaneer fans and half Charger fans (Based on their jersey's they were wearing), the host of this party (Who was lit up like a homeless guy who found a case of Jack Daniels on Christmas morning), apparently wanted to sleep with Tebow (BIG suprise...You and most of North America!) and the Pursy twins (Presumably at the same time) from the offensive front line... She was nice at first, and quite good looking, but got more and more obnoxious as the day wore on, as her speech became more and more unintelligible...(What was she drinking?) Every time I walked through her field of vision, she would yell out loudly "Hey Gator Boy! Comere...over here....with the nice tits...yeah...I meant me...not her..." and, I'd have to listen to her drivel about what she would do with Tebow under the stadium... Since I was from California, and had lived in San Diego for about a decade...(The same decade that the Chargers played a pathetic game in the Superbowl with the 49ers by the way), I was able to converse with the blue and gold shirts, as well as the black and red shirts...and all the drunk Gator fans (who were all apparently undercover...and drinking heavily). All in all, I had a blast... But, on the way back from the game, we stopped in Plant City for some fruit. And, I made the mistake of buying some magic Apricots...Now, I love Apricots...I used to pick them fresh off the trees in Gilroy, California during preparations for the Cult Conventions for "The Truth" (Which turned out to be a big lie), with a guy named Ruban Matta (Who turned out to be a serial pedophile). And, when I think of all those days up in the Apricot trees, passing Apricots down to Ruben....He liked Apricots so much he would be drooling...(I just threw up into my mouth a little bit...Damned acid re-flux!) Anyway, I find that when I look at an Apricot I only see a child's butt...Instead of the sweet nectar of the favored fruit of my youth...(There goes that acid re-flux again!). And, during all that time I spent with Ruben...Why wasn't I molested? Wasn't I good enough? Wasn't I tender, or pubescent enough for him?...I'm almost offended! (There is goes again!)...To make a long story short, the Apricots sat on the kitchen counter way too long... So, the spoiled Apricots, along with the two Pumpkins I put by the door leading up to Halloween...Which during January slowly became shorter and shorter...(Did you know that Pumpkins actually will become an orange lake full of fruit flies if left there long enough?) ...May have contributed to the fruit fly problem... Now, my theory is that fruit flies can see humans, and know where they are at all times, and they definitely know what a fly swatter is! (Which is why they disapear when you get it out) Believing otherwise is a bit like saying that humans wouldn't notice a T-Rex hovering outside your house... Which is why I had the giant fruit fly costume (with built in fly swatters) made. Now, imagine if you will...I am in the fruit fly costume, trying to blend in...Stalking a squadron of covert fruit flies who have built an air strip on the cooking supply cabinets...When the doorbell rings (It's the Jehova Witnesses again...I made the mistake of discussing the Garden of Eden and Original Sin with them, and they don't realize that I was being sarcastic...). So, I answer the door in the fruit fly costume, fly swatter in hand, and tell them that "No, Greg is not here at the moment." and "Sure, I'll tell him you stopped by...But, I'm right in the middle of eating dog shit for breakfast, so if you don't mind..." (God I love fucking with religious people!) Wait till they report THAT little visit to their pastor!...(he he he..) In the fruit fly world I am akin to Adolph Hitler, I practice genocide, and I definitely DO have weapons of mass destruction. Why just this morning you can see that I went mad with the fly swatter...Evidenced by the broken coffee pot, the spilled wine bottles, the broken dishes strewn all over the floor...and the dead fruit flies lying all over the battlefield... Tomorrow, I'm going to infiltrate their home base of operations! I just have to figure out how to squeeze myself into a rotten Pumpkin... (How many did you get?)